***(Just wanted to put a warning label here. There is a sensitive paragraph and I have marked it with a warning. The rest of my post is safe to read for those that are sensitive to certain mental health material.)***

Hello everyone! I would just like to formally welcome you all to my page. Hello to my Instagram followers who give me so much positive feedback and welcome to all you newcomers who came to find a safe place for help and inspiration. I want to start off by introducing myself a little more.

Like I said in my bio, I am a 27 year old single mom to a beautiful little girl. I have been dealing with depression and anxiety since I was about 11 years old. It’s been an uphill battle. Each situation I get thrown in has increased the level at which my depression resides; which is typically how everyone’s depression grows. Just within the past few years I started coming out and talking about my depression and anxiety to friends and online communities. I didn’t fully understand what I was going through until Demi Lovato had gone to rehab for the second time and started talking about her struggles. That’s when I went “hey, I have those same feelings. I have those same thoughts. Is that what this is?”

So I delved a little deeper in myself to try to comprehend what exactly was going on in my head and emotions. I’ve done a little research since then as to what exactly mental illness is and how depression and anxiety play a role in an average person’s everyday life to help me grasp the concept a little better. There is still so much I don’t know and am willing to learn. Everything that I learn I will post on here to help further educate the ones who are still struggling to understand everything that is going on inside of them.

***(Warning: I’m not sure how to word warnings so I’m just going to say that if you have thoughts to unalive yourself or have had thoughts or have attempted to unalive yourself be prepared for a possibly slightly triggering paragraph.)*** So I can’t just talk about one part of my mental health. The whole point of this blog is for me to tell my whole story and help others like me. I was suicidal for almost a year before I got pregnant. I never actually acted on any of those thoughts myself. I never bought anything or used anything could could potentially take my life. However, I did get to a point where I didn’t care if I was in a situation where I could die. I used to walk on the edge of the sidewalk and think about just walking into the middle of traffic. I was at a low point in my life. I had been used by an ex who took my virginity, I got a reputation for being easy at school so guys tried to take advantage of that, two succeed in their conquest. I was drinking too much and when I wasn’t in class I was either laying in bed trying not to succumb to my depression or I was trying to drink my depression away. I was 20 years old with a drinking problem on top of my mental health issues. It was during that time that I began having suicidal thoughts. I knew that I would never be able to cut myself, I just couldn’t get past the thought of actually inflicting physical pain upon myself. Taking pills never even crossed my mind because I knew that that would be a sure way to end my life. Only a small percentage of people who are found in time live after a pill attempt. So the idea of being hit by a car crossed my mind and it seemed like a good idea. At least that way I knew that there was a possibility that I could still live. There was a part of me that wanted to live my life. I still had big dreams. I still wanted to do a lot of things. But the part of me that thought I would be better off dead kept creeping up and I toyed with the idea of just walking out into the middle of a road and get hit by a car. I thought that maybe if I lived then people would notice how much I have been suffering. I wanted people to care that I was in so much mental pain that it became physical. But no one really knew that I had depression and anxiety at that point so no one would have known why I walked out into traffic unless I lived to tell the tale. The suicidal thoughts kept on coming back and they seemed enticing but I never acted upon them. ***(End of sensitive material)***

After I graduated from my vocational college, I went home and got a job almost immediately. My depression and anxiety still hung around me. I was working 40+ hours a week and had little down time to feel the full effects that I had been experiencing with my depression and anxiety. My suicidal thoughts had quieted down for a while and I only had depressive episodes when I was alone at night trying to fall asleep after a long day at work. I really had no one to talk to or hang out with because all my friends were back at school or worked long days like I did. So I suffered in silence.

I had begun to talk to a friend from school who I found out lived about 40 minutes away from me. He had been going through a hard time with his wife and found solace in our talks. He would ask me for advice and I would tell him to just stick it out and that communication was key to a healthy marriage. He had begun to flirt with me again like he did when we were at school but I deflected his attempts by changing the subject. Then one day he told me that his marriage was over and his wife had moved out. He grieved for a few days and then picked back up with his flirting. He began asking me out on dates and I shot him down every time. I wasn’t in a good place mentally to be going out and starting a romantic relationship. Especially not with someone who just ended their marriage. But he was persistent.

I finally gave in and agreed to go on a date with him. We went out to dinner and we were both nervous. The date went well but I was unsure of my feelings. My previous ex boyfriend had messed with my head and heart so much and my depression had a strong grip on my emotions, I couldn’t be sure I knew what real feelings were anymore. We didn’t kiss but we did hold hands while we were walking. I left that night unsure of what was going to happen between us. I took a few days to mull over my feelings and intentions. My depression had me feeling lonely enough that I agreed to continue going out with him and I became his girlfriend. On the outside our relationship seemed good. On the inside, I was unhappy and I started feeling more and more of my depression. He didn’t have a job, he didn’t have a car, and he lived with his parents. So we would end up hanging out at his parents’ house. When we did go out I was the one who paid for everything. I bought him gifts and food and bus passes. He was also addicted to sex which immediately turned me off. It all became too much.

He thought I was happy because I never told him otherwise. He thought that he was helping me with my depression and that I was getting better. What I didn’t tell him was that I was getting worse and he was a part of the reason why. We had only been going out a few months and he was already talking about marriage and moving in together and having kids. I went along with whatever he wanted because I thought that maybe someday it would all make me happy.

Then I found out I was pregnant. It didn’t hit me that this was my reality until a couple of months in. I had kept it a secret from my family. I was still trying to process how I had let my life and that relationship get so far. I couldn’t believe that the whole time I let my fake persona take the driver’s seat had led to this. I finally woke up from my fog and saw the mess that had become my life. I took a long hard look at all that had occurred over just a short 6 months. All the money I had spent, all the unhappiness I had been feeling, how far I had let my depression get. I saw a future with someone that I didn’t love. I couldn’t drag him along any longer. I couldn’t let myself get dragged along any longer.

It took me almost a month to get the courage to break up with him. When I finally did, it was over the phone. I couldn’t face him. I never told him the real truth of why I broke up with him. He never got that closure. I’m not sure if I’ll ever be able to tell him.

At that point I was about 4 months pregnant and I was still working the 40+ hours at my job. I had morning sickness starting around my second trimester which was horrible because I worked mainly mornings and got to start every day with a few trips to the bathroom. Luckily for me my morning sickness only happened in the morning and left me alone for the rest of the day. I was going to doctor visits by myself which furthered my depressive feelings. I saw happy couples in the waiting room and realized that I would never have that. My mental health declined a lot during my pregnancy. I cried a lot, I stayed in bed on my days off. Some mornings I would wake up and my depression would hit me so hard that it would be physically painful to even try to get up. I never told anyone about my thoughts and feelings.

I told my family about my pregnancy when I was about 6 months pregnant. I couldn’t stand being completely alone anymore. I left out my bottle of prenatal pills and let my family find out that way. It didn’t make my pregnancy or depression any easier but at least it was out in the open. It was easier not having to hide it from everybody. There was some disappointment from my family that I didn’t come to them sooner and that I wasn’t being safe and smart when I was having sex. Even today I know my family is still disappointed in me. And that hurts. There’s always going to be a part of them that is going to be disappointed in me and I just have to live with it.

Fast forward to today. I have a beautiful 5 year old daughter whom I would not trade for anything in the world. She has brought me so much joy even though I still suffer from depression and anxiety. She makes some days easier to deal with it. But she also makes the hard days harder. It’s a juggling act. I try so hard to be the best mom that I can be. On the days that I feel the physical depression aches and pain, she forces me to get out of bed to feed her and get her ready for school. She helps me get my day started. She came at the right time in my life. I had quit drinking and smoking when I found out I was pregnant. It became a little easier to ignore the suicidal thoughts while I was pregnant because I wasn’t going to take her life along with mine.

After she was born my depression was still pretty bad. I hardly left the house. I ate tons of pizza and other junk food. I stayed in the same pajamas for 3 to 4 days at a time. That first year was pretty hard. But it did get easier. I have had a few jobs since then, I shower regularly again, I eat healthier (sometimes), and we used to go out almost every day even if it was to go to the mailbox and back.

Since Covid we haven’t been able to go out as much and I’ve lost my job. We’ve been home a lot and it’s effect my depression quite a bit. I haven’t been cleaning my apartment as much, I’ve let clean laundry sit on my bed for weeks at a time because I cannot bring myself to fold it and put it away. I’ve been eating unhealthy again and I stay in bed for a good chunk of the day binge watching Netflix. My depressive episodes haven’t been too bad but my body and my mind still can’t get moving. But I still have my daughter who looks up to me so I make an effort to get up and do what she needs me to do. I haven’t had unliving thoughts in a few years. I have hopes and dreams for the future for myself and my daughter.

The whole point of my story is that it does get better. It takes time, sometimes years in my case, but it does get better. Hold on to the thought that tomorrow could be better. Make plans to have something to look forward to. I had big dreams for my life and that is what kept me here. Now my daughter is who keeps me here. Find something or someone that is special and important to you to keep you here. You are loved and you are wanted. If your dark days become too much, reach out for help. There are millions of people out in the world that want to help you. You can go to a family member, a therapist, someone anonymously online, or someone at a call center. Get help. Don’t suffer in silence. I learned that the hard way. When I finally started opening up to my best friend things got a little easier. Just knowing that she is there for me whenever I need her is so comforting.

Stay Strong, Warriors!